The thing about writing is…

The thing about writing is….

It’s fucking hard!

I have a million things to say; but allowing myself to put them on paper is a most difficult thing.

The majority of what I want to say and want to share with the world are at least rooted in my own true tales. The stories of every step and misstep of my life; which I’ve been told is a far more interesting story than most. The few who’ve been privy to my history have suggested my life would be a great ‘Lifetime’ flick; or even a series. Based on the few I’ve seen, I’d have to agree; though reluctantly.

The problem is, I share those stories. Each chapter of my life, the good, and the bad, and the ugly; there were other people involved in all of them. Each story I have to tell has so many other stories attached. And until now I’ve held back so much of myself for the sake of keeping their stories safe.

My abusers. My rivals. My lovers. My friends. My tormentors. My supporters. All of them have parts of thier stories woven into my own. And though I can change a name or a place or time-line; it still feels invasive to tell the tales. It feels like a betrayal to share parts of them with the world.

Worse than this is the fear. The fear that if I tell these stories that they will find them. That they will come back. The fear that by putting my villains on paper I am breathing life back into them. Resurrecting monsters best left dead and forgotten.

For me, for those stories, it’s fucking hard. It’s hard to rewind my life and re-live the stories within. It’s hard to feel every emotion required to re-process what I’ve been through. It’s hard to write and re-write my own story over and over again trying to make it make sense to others when it still doesn’t always make sense to me. And once that is all done, to click a button labeled ‘Publish’ and send my story into the world for anyone to read… that is fucking hard.

But I’ve never given up just because something was hard.

For you lovely souls who come back here day after day- I thank you. Your patronage to my page has ignited my desire and love of word anew.

For any monsters lurking; I’ll change your names, give you your anonymity but the stories are mine. If you come for me, you’ll find me greatly changed. And if your sins are found out here, it is only because you have not.

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