Was? Is.

I had a girlfriend once.
And a boyfriend.
And a husband.
Yes, at the same time.
Yes, they all knew about each other.
No, they weren’t all together too.
Well, my husband and my girlfriend were.
And my boyfriend was my girlfriends husband.
So we were all together in some ways I suppose.

Were? Was?
Were… Was…
It was fun.
We were happy.
It was different.
We were happy…
It was exciting.
Were we happy?
It was…. fun.

It was more than that.
Or maybe it was less?
Maybe it was both.
Maybe it was more to me,
and less to them.

For me… more.
I got too attached.
Too enthralled.
Too taken with it all.
For me it was more.
It was comfort, and warmth,
it was adventure, and love,
it was community, and strength,
and it was fun, and different, and exciting.
It was…

Does it matter now?
Did it matter then?

It was too much.
Too much to one.
It was not enough.
Not enough to another.
It was give, give, give,
and how dare you take.
It was suspicion, and jealousy,
it was whispers, and secrets,
it was offense and indifference.
It was try, try, try,
and then it was over.
It was too much.

It was I still love you.
It was I still want you.
It was we still care.
It was we’re still friends.
But it was over.

It was cold,
and empty,
and alone.
… and then

It was work.
It was communication.
It was trust and love
and rebirth.
It was growth and renewal.

It was him, and it was me.
and it was open and it was free.
It was new and exciting,
it was fresh and deep.
It was… everything.
It was us.


[ I fell, hard. I fell for her, and for him, and for who my husband was with them; and even for who I was with them. But when you’re the only one falling, there is no one at the bottom when you land.]

{ I let my love for each of you cloud my judgement. I didn’t want to slight any of you, and that led me to make poor choices. I take ownership of that.}

(When it ended, I was broken. But that shattering gave me a chance to build back stronger. That pain forced me to be truly honest about who I was and what I wanted- things I had been terrified of sharing with anyone, especially him. So even on the days when my heart aches for your presence I am thankful for the shattering. Because I know I CAN have all of those things, the adventure, and the passion, and the strength and comfort… I have it all with him. And because now I know, we are unbreakable.)

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