Sub Space

They say it over and over-
You just seem so independent.
(You never ask for help)
You’re a strong woman.
(You’re maybe a little cold)
But you’re such a control freak.
(Everything has to be done your way)

Why would you let a man treat you that way?
(Why do you like being bound, beaten, and degraded like that?)

They’re right. I am independent.
(I had no one until Him)
I’ve been taking care of myself, and others, since I was a child.
I chose to continue caring for others in my career.
I rely on no one; but many rely on me.

Control freak?
Please see above.
I was made independent, I made myself strong.
Then I took control.
I control everything around me, I know it’s extreme sometimes.
I took control so those around me would be spared the experiences that made me… me.

I am independent, and strong, and controlling.
And those traits provide some lovely little side effects;
like crippling anxiety, PTSD, depression and OCD.
(Or maybe all my ‘initials’ gave me my strength- chicken/egg, egg/chicken – who cares)

So, why do I ‘let Him do these things’ to me?

Because every minute of every day in my vanilla life I am in control.
I have to be; I have children to raise, a home to care for, patients to assist.
I have no reprieve. If I mess something up… someone gets hurt.

Sometimes, that pressure, is too much.
Sometimes, I want to be taken care of.
Sometimes, I don’t want to be strong.
Sometimes, I want someone else to take control.

And that is what he does for me.
In those moments when I give myself completely over to him,
mind, body, soul; I get to be free.
I have no decisions to make.
I have no one to take care of.
I have no control.
And it. is. bliss.

When we are in a scene, or a session, my mind is focused on nothing more than that moment.
Nothing more than pleasing Him.
I do not carry the anxieties of the day, or the concerns for tomorrow.
I do not feel fear, or stress.
I am empty, but oh so full.
I am free.

And by the end, when He has released me and
brought me back to vanilla space,
my mind has stretched, and bent and snapped back into perfect balance.

I am valued, and I am safe, and I am free.
(I am nothing, I am no one, I am free)
And that, my dear, is why I ‘let Him do these things’ to me.
(and that is why I beg Him to do these things for me)

Photo by u0415u043au0430u0442u0435u0440u0438u043du0430 u041cu044fu0441u043eu0435u0434 on

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